In a world obsessed with sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, have you ever wanted to instantly show everyone that you’ve never enjoyed the simple pleasures of any of them? Well, roll the fuck up because we’ve got just the product for you. Introducing ‘Snowfeet‘, the shortest skis in the world. No longer are you forced to traipse about with those embarrassing planks attached to your feet, now you can zip around the mountain with nothing but your crocs and these on. Snowfeet are seemingly the result of a seedy one-night stand between Ice Skating and Snow Blades. And using them leaves you with the same feeling you get after a particularly steamy night in Whistler- sure it probably felt good at the time but you wake up sticky and filled with regret. And now you have Gonorrhoea.

If, like us, riding on a slope no steeper than 0.2 degrees makes your nipples tingle then you’ll absolutely love them. Who needs to carve or ride powder? With a pair of these badboys you can navigate blue and green runs with ease! Who needs to be able to stop? This is a product for the mavericks that laugh in the face of danger.

One fan took to Youtube to write his glowing review, and to point out some shocking facts about the snowboard industry. “why people put on them selves a lot of different suspicious things?”… riddle me that Jake Burton, riddle me that.

We got in touch with Shaun White to get his take on this hot new product “It’s like rollerblading but way sexier”. We couldn’t agree more Shaun. For those of us snow obsessed folk who religiously wear Heely’s, we’re blessed to finally be able to recreate the sensation on the slopes.

“It’s like rollerblading but way sexier”

Thought it was scientifically impossible to re-grow your virginity? Think again! New research from the geeks at Whitelines University show that mere seconds after strapping on a pair of Snowfeet you instantly become a huge virgin. What a world we live in. God Bless us one and all.

You can scoop a pair of these panty droppers for the low price of only $149.90! The price includes the reissuing of your V-Card, 4000 swag points and the promise to turn heads every time you buckle in on the mountain. For extra steeze points make sure to wink and chuck up the finger guns as you jet past all the losers with regular skis on.