What Your Snowboard Says About You

A handy guide to figuring out what your weapon of choice really says about you

Admit it, you love the pre-season ritual of eyeing up your next snowboard purchase as much as the next person. Trawling the web for hours on end, sifting through the archives of gear reviews. You’re still holding out hope that there’s a snowboard out there that serves as the missing piece in the puzzle, transforming you from Traverse Ice to Travis Rice overnight.

But your snowboard is, in many ways, an extension of you as a person. It speaks volumes about the kind of rider and human being you are. Are you forgiving? Aggressive? A little bit volume shifted? A twin? Do you struggle to lean upright against the wall outside the Aprés Bar?

“Your snowboard is, in many ways, an extension of you as a person”

With this in mind, we’ve pulled together this list of things your choice of snowboard might say about you. If you’d prefer to know what we say about the snowboards, you’ll find reviews of all those featured and many more in our 20/21 Buyer’s Guide.

N.B. The following descriptions are the culmination of 8 pints of lager, 3 minutes of market research, and 2 hours of disjointed typing on a keyboard from an industry staffer who owns 3 of the boards listed below. Take it all with a pinch of salt. Remember, it’s snowboarding, it’s meant to be fun. And if hits a nerve, that’s probably just because it’s true…

Lib Tech Orca

First time you saw ‘The Art Of Flight’ you felt a strange tingling sensation in the tip of your penis and you’ve never looked back. You’re attending couples therapy with your wife to try and resolve what they refer to as ‘latent sexual fantasies’ after she caught you jacking off to The Fourth Phase…again.

Your logic of buying Travis’s board thinking it will improve your riding is as questionable as farting in the bathtub and thinking you own a jacuzzi. But there’s no denying it, all of your mates say they’ve never seen you look so good on a snowboard. Could also be down to your new Quicksilver outerwear, Union bindings and DC boots, though.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Lib Tech Orca here

Ride Warpig

You spend several hours a day posting on internet forums dedicated to snowboarding and you’re the only person who actually uses different temps of wax for different conditions. You upcycled your old leash into a belt, and have switched out your shoelaces for BOA’s. You definitely have a shelf/bench made from old snowboards. All the gear, some idea.

You actively try to get a goggle tan and have even considered hitting the tanning booth with goggles to top it up in the off season. The shop kids at your local snowboard store hide when they see you because you’ll inevitably spend several hours trying to debate the merits of cotton vs polyester snowboard socks. You’re always on hyper-alert waiting for anyone to mention anything related to snowboarding, so you can fly in like a bat out of hell screeching about the latest Gimbal God edit.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Ride Warpig here

Bataleon Global Warmer

You’re a long-term seasonaire who sleeps on a mattress on the floor with one single pillow. You wash dishes 3 evenings a week to pay your rent and to keep your bong loaded. You’ve proudly worn the same unwashed thermals all season, you have a pubey moustache that you think is ironic and you’re patient zero of the chlamydia outbreak in town. Your affinity for bucket hats and rolled up beanies knows no bounds, but at least they cover up your unwashed greasy hair. You almost exclusively ride rails and you pretend you’re zeaching on purpose but inside you’re seething.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Bataleon Global Warmer here

Jones Mountain Twin

Don’t listen to what everyone else says, you’re not boring, you’re just…predictable. If you were a spice, you’d be flour. Your favourite colour is beige. Your favourite Beatles album is their “Greatest Hits”.

Worst of all, this season’s Mountain Twin is a genuinely great park board. So now you’ll actually have to hit the rail line and stop saying “Ah, not today, fellas. I’m on my all-mountain freeride snowboard. Plus I don’t wanna fall with my transceiver on and break my ribs. I’mma check out that sidecountry run again.”

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Jones Mountain Twin here

CAPiTA Black Snowboard of Death

Some people claim you don’t ride with gloves, you’ve been drinking in the same leather jacket since 1996 and you once killed a man.

But your snowboard doesn’t say anything about you. Snitches get stitches. We won’t either. Moving on…

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 CAPiTA BSOD here

Gnu Ladies Choice

Peace and love baby! You shag the guy with the ironic moustache and unwashed thermals. Your lips are stained red from the copious amounts of wine that you drink, and you’ve missed more days on the hill than you can count thanks to sordid hangovers. You’re probably in a girl shred crew and all of you have strands of your bleached blonde hair poking out your helmet/hat. You’d be a really good rider if you stopped getting hammered every single day. You have a permanent scar from where you slipped off the table you were dancing on at Aprés and your healing crystal stabbed you in the leg.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Gnu Ladies Choice here

Burton Custom X

You’re 31 years old and you still fart on your friend’s pillows to give them pink eye. You played soggy biscuit at your private school and Papa got you a job in his accounting firm even after you ‘dropped out’ of university. You think Shaun White is the GOAT and you won’t hear otherwise. *Cough boot grab Cough*

You don’t eat carbs because your body is a temple but you drink piss out of a ski boot for banter and rail fat lines of the devil’s dandruff every weekend at your private member’s club.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Burton Custom X here

Amplid Pentaquark

You’ve never missed first lifts once in your life (but this has come at the expense of your job, friendships and second marriage). The day begins in the top gondola station at 0855hrs and ends promptly at 1300hrs once the crowds have ruined the groomers.

You refuse to wear a facemask or suncream and consequently have a face that looks like a hard-boiled bollock. Apres consists of drinking schnapps alone in the bar and looking disdainfully at any snowboarder who passes by with their boots done up loosely.

You don’t like any genre of music.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Amplid Pentaquark here

Kemper Freestyle

You’re a self-proclaimed ‘rad dad’ looking to relive the ‘good old days’. Your wife begrudges you one nostalgia filled week a year snowboarding with your friends and you spend the whole time staring wistfully at the young guns ripping in the park. You’d go show off your moves but things just haven’t been the same since you pulled a muscle in your back tying your shoelaces. You bought a balance board to work on your skills but hid the receipt from your wife because you’re terrified of her. One of your kids has puked in your boot again.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Kemper Freestyle here

K2 Overboard

You know that thing where dogs look like their owners? Yeah, not here. You almost certainly have a micro-penis.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 K2 Overboard here

Bataleon Goliath

After posting on every snowboard forum to ask if “Triple Base works in icy conditions” you head to your local snowboard shop and enter into a tech-talk brodown with the staff. You spend the next hour being overwhelmed with info about the Jones Mountain Twin, the CAPiTA DOA and Lib Tech T. Rice Pro. You’re in way over your head. You fake an emergency phone call to get out.

You go home and buy the Goliath online. You’d already decided on that topsheet long before your first forum post.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Bataleon Goliath here

Nidecker Gun

You’re having a mid-life crisis. You can’t afford a sports car, you’re too young to take up golf, and your wife has been sleeping with one of those anti-snoring gumshields for the past three months. You know your snowboard history and appreciate the fine craftsmanship on offer here. It’s the first time you’ve felt genuinely happy in 18 months.

The night before your flight to the Alps you discover it won’t fit in your board bag and you have to rent a snowboard in resort.

This is the last time you go snowboarding.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Nidecker Gun here

Never Summer Proto Synthesis

USA, baby! You sadly won’t be going riding this season because your local resort requires you to wear a face mask, which is A VIOLATION OF YOUR AMENDMENT RIGHTS!!!! You’re probably called Chad or Logan.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Never Summer Protosynthesis here

Salomon Assassin

Come on, be honest you only bought this because your friend Greg has one. You tell everyone you’ve got 540’s on lock when in reality you underrorate a 180. You wear a GoPro helmet mount to get sick POV footy of that knee deep pow run you blasted with the boys. You wear bib pants because you secretly like farting in them and having the smell waft up when you sit on the chairlift.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Salomon Assassin here

YES. Basic

Wait a minute, are you the one who rides around the resort with the Boombox blasting out heinous beats from your backpack all day? You’ve stopped unstrapping a foot when you get on the chairlift for a quick getaway much to the annoyance of the lifties.

You’re either too broke to ride anything else, or way too good to care. Probably both.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Yes Basic here

Rome Artifact

You’re too stoned to realise it, but see that guy on the Pentaquark? Yeah. He wants you dead.
You exclusively spend time in the park, so much so that you had your switch frontboard on lock before you could properly link turns.

You take some pretty heavy slams, and you have no idea what’s going on most of the time. What’s that ringing noise in your ears, why is everything blurry? Oh well. On the plus side, you found the tooth you knocked out the other day after you caught a burr on that down-flat-down.

Read a (genuine) review of the 2020-2021 Rome Artifact here

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