The Worst Snowboard Products We’ve Seen This Year

You win some, you lose some.

Ideas are like buttholes, everybody’s got ‘em and they usually fucking reek. But every once in a while, you come across one that’s so monumentally caked in shite that it’d take a team of experts a week working round the clock to chip away at the mess of excrement to try and locate the balloon knot.

We get a lot of interesting ideas coming through our inboxes and in the spirit of Christmas we wanted to share some with you. Modern science is a truly marvellous thing; we’ve cured diseases, we’ve cloned animals, we’ve explored the deepest crevasses of the ocean, we’ve even fired humans into outer space, but that’s all guff and nonsense compared to these tremendous feats of engineering. Breathe it in folks, in no particular order these are ten of the pooiest buttholes we’ve seen this year, clench your sphincter and enjoy.

NB: Yes we’re being mean, but 2020 has been a real kick in the dick and we’re feeling grinchy, so suck it up sunshine.

The Snowboard Pole

Caution: Spontaneous pregnancy may occur from looking at these pictures

Now, we actually went into quite a bit of detail on this one previously but this client review sums it up pretty well “I love using my Snowboard Pole, when I’m finished snowboarding for the day, I pack it down and shove it straight up my rectum, hands free baby!!”


We like to think of turning up to the slopes with SnowFeet as the equivalent of bringing a Kazoo to audition for the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Thought it was scientifically impossible to regrow your virginity? Think again! Top scientists say wearing SnowFeet causes the immediate reissuing of your V-Card.

Mad Jacks Boots

A device that lets you wear snowboard boots while skiing… I once wiped my arse with a toilet brush for a whole week after I mistranslated some instructions, the pain was intense but the deep burn of shame was worse, long story short- that’s what I imagine wearing these to feel like.

RideEasy Line

We’ve got visions of the chairlift bar raising with the hook still attached, leaving some poor sod dangling like they’re recreating the finale of Cirque du Soleil. At least it’ll be funny to watch.


Image courtesy of SnowTech

The world’s first silicone snowboard edge and sidewall protector“…I mean, we get the point here, but it kinda feels like chucking a condom on your knob just to take a piss. On another note, the product video makes you feel like you’ve just double dropped disco biscuits if you wanna trip some serious sack.


Okay, so this one is technically ski-related, but it’s fucking amazing so we’ll let it slide. Not content with run of the mill anal beads? Look no further! Never will you turn so many heads as when you’re stylishly hitting the slopes with this gigantic pole protruding from your anus. For just $5000 you can show the world that you have the mass appeal of a sealed jar of farts, it’s a bargain!

Clicker Belt

If you wear this you might as well stamp on your own genitals to save someone the trouble of tracking you down and doing it. This is what they meant when they coined the term ‘chastity belt’.

Power Traverse

Kinda similar to the SkiZee idea but less anally dependant. This motor attaches on to your snowboard and does…well nothing so far. We’ve been anxiously watching these guys on Instagram for months to see the progress and so far it’s about as useful as a jar of lukewarm piss. Stay tuned I guess.


While other goggle brands duke it out to offer to biggest field of view, or the most optically correct visuals, the bods at Gogglepal have dug their heels in and pulled a complete 180 (probably the only 180 they’ll ever be able to land). Who actually wants to see the mountain while you’re up there? Nature is the haggard old trollop that you’re forced to be nice to because you want to shag its mate and we hate it. Enough is enough. Undisrupted visuals are for squares and we all know it.


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