Culture Features

What does your snowboard say about you?

A handy guide to figuring out what your weapon of choice really says about you

We’ve complied a handy list of snowboards to tell you all about… you. Like a tarot card reader but way more scientific, and best of all it doesn’t cost you a penny. Fear not if your board isn’t on the list, just find the closest one on there and ta-da now that’s you. Now we’re not saying this applies to absolutely everyone, but 60% of the time – it works everytime.

Disclaimer: If you get irate about this, it’s probably hit a nerve, and is therefore true. We don’t make the rules… 

Jones Flagship

Jones Flagship

You like to think you’d give old Jeremy himself a run for his money in the backcountry. You fancy yourself a bit of a big mountain charger, and think the wooden topsheet lends you an air of class. Your wife lets you go off for a week a year without her and the kids, probably to Chamonix. You bought the Flagship because your mate Graham’s boss has one and says you’d be a pussy to get anything else. You can straightline down an icy black run, although it’s actually because you’re not at all in enough control to put in a turn even if you wanted to. You have an app that tells you how far you snowboarded today, and how fast you went and you can’t resist telling eeeeeeveryone. Chances are, you bought the board and then went and slapped a cheap studded stomp pad on it, much to the shop staff’s chagrin.

“You like to think you’d give old Jeremy himself a run for his money”

Burton Custom

Burton Custom

You like to drag your mates into snowboard shops to try and show off to them by telling the shop staff how much you know about boards while the shop kid looks at you with dead eyes and then goes in the back to laugh about you. You love your annual lads holiday, and last year you and Big Dave necked 14 jagerbombs and then pissed in a pint glass and drank it. You probably wear a Ruroc helmet, with a GoPro mount on the top of it so you can show all of your bored co-workers back home the mad air that Gazza got off the medium line knuckle. You spend your evenings sinking pints in an apres bar and you and the boiz stand in a circle on the dance floor clapping and punching the air. You probably can ride quite fast, but each year you inexplicably come home with a massive gouge in your base. Oh well, time for a new Custom.

“You probably wear a Ruroc helmet, with a Go Pro mount on top”

Salomon Gypsy

You probably either live in Morzine, or you spend your holidays there each year. You spend a lot of time in the park, but rarely ever actually ride it, just sit at the top with a beer and a spliff and watch the cute boys doing tricks. You pride yourself on your ability to drink copious amounts of wine and you’re only sick on yourself half the time! Chances are, you wear a hood, and have a strand of your bleached blond hair poking out either side, Silje Norendal style.  You’re probably actually a pretty decent rider, but your main focus is getting on it with your girls, and you’re too committed to the sesh to really push yourself. Bartenders love you, bouncers fear you and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

No offence Silje, we still think you’re a boss.

Ride Warpig

You spend your whole annual leave on snowboarding trips, and sneak in as many long weekends as you can possibly get away with before your boss realises you’re always ‘sick’ when it’s dumping. You know all the brands that are ‘cool’, but somehow when you put them all together something is just a little…off. Fair play to you, you’ve got the balls to hit the medium kicker line, but your straight air, wind-the-windows style isn’t quite what you had in mind on the run in. Your normal friends are sick to the back teeth of you constantly going on and on about snowboarding, I hate to break it to you, but they absolutely don’t care about the latest insta banger from Gimbal God. You’re active on some snowboarding facebook groups where you engage in vigorous debate about whether you can use cold temp wax in March or why you should/shouldn’t put stickers on your helmet.

Bataleon Wallie

You’re such a gnarly shredduhhh. You spend most of your time hitting hot laps in the park, or top to bottoms on that one run with side hits for days. You probably don’t wash your clothes that much, or your hair for that matter. You spend all your money on weed and beer, and you swear that you were rocking a shoelace belt before it was mainstream. You spend more time than you’ll ever admit practicing for beer pong, and you’re a really bad loser when your opponent gets a flukey shot on the last cup. You smoke roll ups, but never actually have tobacco, or papers, or anything really. You only really survive because that nice girl you’ve been seeing takes pity and cooks you a meal every once in a while. You’ve definitely got at least one bucket hat and probably rock an ironic moustache.

“You spend all your money of weed and beer, and swear you were rocking a shoelace belt before it was mainstream”

Nidecker Concept

Let’s be honest, you wear a helmet with a built in visor don’t you?  You rock the posi-posi stance with your forward lean dialed to the absolute max and probably clasp both hands behind your back as you gyrate your hips to get onto your edges. You like to rock super stiff boots and lament the fact that nowhere sells actual hard boots anymore. Carbon bindings of some sort are an absolute necessity, and for some reason you like to do the straps suuuper tight… for more control? Or maybe you’re just into that whole thing. You like to get low and crank turns all day, and freshly corduroyed groomers make your nipples tingle.

“You wear a helmet with a built in visor don’t you?”

Arbor Element

A leftover child of the sexy 60’s you like to turn and burn like no one else. You look around at the young guns on the mountain and tut and think ‘kids these days’. What are they wearing? Why are they so loud? You’ve been proudly hitting the same resort for 20 years, and like to think of yourself more like a local than a holidaymaker. You know all the best spots for a nice dinner, and which lifts are gonna be busiest at what times so you can plan your day accordingly. You’re probably active on some snowboard internet forums, where you debate the pros and cons of camber vs rocker into the wee hours. You don’t care what anyone says you LOVE your flow bindings! You’ve definitely either got a back protector or impact shorts, and you’ve almost got a 180 on lock! You’re a first lifts to last lifts kinda guy, and you’re happy for a few jars in the evening, but you’re not gonna let a pesky hangover cut into your precious riding time.

“You’ve been proudly hitting the same resort for 20 years, and like to think of yourself more like a local than a holidaymaker”

Wed’ze AllRoad 100

You’re new to the sport. Welcome to the club. You took the plunge and bought a cheap board after your mate told you a rental horror story. You might have done a couple of indoor lessons to wet your whistle and spent a fair bit of time on your arse in a snowdome wondering why you can’t seem to get the hang of it. Bless your cottons, it gets easier, we promise. You’ve probably spent hours poring over facebook groups deciding which snowboard best suits you and trying to pick up the lingo. You’re probably dreading getting off your first chairlift, and will inevitably fall off a really long T-Bar lift at some point but decide to hold on regardless and get dragged up the rest of the way while someone is filming you for a feature spot on Jerry of the Day.

Whilst you’re on the journey of self-discovery, have a look at what your stance says about you.


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