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Am I A Gigantic Wet Lettuce? | MadJacks Snowsports

This week on 'Gotta be Fake Friday'...

More than twice daily, I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface. This is usually accidental but occasionally I’ll purposefully direct my gaze toward a rainbow-hued oil spillage in a petrol station or stare at my distorted reflection in someone’s sunglasses.

“Is it instantly obvious that I’m a massive dickhead?”

Without fail the first question that springs to my mind is ‘Is it instantly obvious that I’m a massive dickhead?’. Thankfully the answer is normally yes. Sometimes because of the ‘I’m smug prick’ look perma-plastered on my face, occasionally because I’m wearing a teeny tiny rolled-up beanie and once or twice because of the actual willy on my forehead.

More than 50 people gave them money, which is the real global catastrophe. Move over Corona Virus.

Unfortunately, there have been times where it’s not immediately recognisable though, and I’m stricken with grief and thrown into a deep pit of despair. Cue MadJacks Snowsports. Here to show the world with a solitary glance that you’re a ginormous wet lettuce.

“Here to show the world with a solitary glance that you’re a ginormous wet lettuce”

When faced with foot pain and cold tootsies the simple solution would seemingly be to just get a pair of ski boots that fit you, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. For starters you’d be robbing yourself of the chance to clomp around in the snowsports version of gonorrhoea.

Now available worldwide!!!

You’d also be denying yourself the plausibility of pleading insanity if you commit a crime…

“Your Honour, my client is clearly not of sound mind, look at these atrocious things he spent his hard-earned money on. He went to all this trouble rather than get a pair of ski boots fitted properly.”

“By gum, you’re right. Case dismissed.”

“Unknown skier Candide Thovex has just signed a 6 figure deal to head up their pro team and will be wearing his signature colourway at the 2022 Winter Olympics”

The only downside we found was that you’ll never be able to walk normally again thanks to the constant deluge of people throwing themselves on you in fits of passion and sexual frustration. These badboys fucking reek of sex appeal and you’d be hard pressed not to become a top shagger the moment you clip into them.

You heard it here first folks.

Word on the street is that unknown skier Candide Thovex has just signed a 6 figure deal to head up their pro team and will be wearing his signature colourway at the 2022 Winter Olympics. It’s so admirable of them to support the underdog and back grassroots sport. It’s a MadJacks world, we’re just living in it.

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