Holy mother of pearl. We’ve found it, we’ve actually fucking found it. Such a discovery has not been made since Howard Carter and his team of archaeologists uncovered the tomb of Tutankhamun in 1922. This is a game changer, nay, a life changer. It’s Snowboard Pole, motherfucker.

“Apparently developed by an ex-pole dancer, who got the idea when he accidentally double dropped Viagra and LSD”

What kind of ham-faced wanker would unstrap their foot to skate over a flat surface when you could whip out your pole and power yourself forward like an overtly erotic Venetian Gondolier. Apparently developed by an ex-pole dancer, who got the idea when he accidentally double dropped Viagra and LSD. Sources say he saw his johnson stand to attention and grow to mountainous proportions, he then grabbed ahold of the closest object to steady himself, which just so happened to be a ski pole. His drug addled brain married the two images and BOOM, the idea was planted and Snowboard Pole was born.

We took to the streets to get some feedback on Snowboard Pole, here’s what the public had to say:

“I use this product in conjunction with my frosted nipple clamps, it’s incredibly sexual. The ladies can’t get enough of me. One cute lil’ mama shouted, “I’m going to stamp on your genitals!”, I’ve never had such a deluge of positive attention. Two thumbs up from me.” John W, 33

“I pack it down and shove it straight up my rectum, hands free baby”

“I love using my Snowboard Pole, when I’m finished snowboarding for the day, I pack it down and shove it straight up my rectum, hands free baby!!” Rob M, 29

“I snowboard by day, and exotic dance in the city’s finest gentleman’s club by night, this product combines both of my passions! It’s sexy AND useful, huzzah!!” Stella P, 28

“I have never in either of my lives encountered such a mesmerising large stick”

“I’m deeply involved with the International Role-Playing Institute and spend most of my time in character as my alter ego ‘Sir Pilchard Windybollock’ a medieval knight on the jousting circuit, so you could say I know my poles well. I have never in either of my lives encountered such a mesmerising large stick. My opponents quiver with fear when I pull it out to face them in battle and my wife, Lady Tartiflette Mingewriggler, quivers in anticipation when I whip it out in the bedroom. 10/10.” Jack C, 32