White Lies

REVEALED | Shaun White’s Showbiz Past

Our sources open up about Mr White's shocking past...

We were recently contacted by sources close to Shaun who let slip some shocking revelations about his youth. What do Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Shaun White have in common? (Apart from being high ranking lizard Generals in the Illuminati). They were all pre-teen Disney starlets…

“That boy was as hairless as a naked mole rat with alopecia”

Shaun White starred alongside Lindsay Lohan in the 1998 Disney classic ‘The Parent Trap’. Shaun was scouted at his school’s bi-annual pan flute recital, where a Disney Producer was mesmerised by his stage presence and his “innate ability to blow those damn pipes”. The production team had been looking for someone to play Lohan’s identical twin in the movie, and Shaun was the perfect fit. He employed the infamous exotic animal breeder Dereck Lickschitz as his agent, and the rest was history.

Lindsay and Shaun charmed the whole world.

White was cast as flame-headed ‘Annie James’ who was described as haughty, cold and snobbish. He had to use a British accent whilst filming, but luckily, he was well practiced as his favourite TV show was ‘Tiddly Spunker’- the classic English daytime series. “It didn’t matter that he was an American guy, this was pre-puberty, right? That boy was as hairless as a naked mole rat with alopecia.”

“Lickschitz allegedly spunked White’s entire Parent Trap pay-check on vintage porcelain anal beads”

The film was a huge success and the royalty money was rolling in for White. But unbeknownst to him, his agent had developed some expensive tastes along the way… Lickschitz allegedly spunked White’s entire Parent Trap pay-check on vintage porcelain anal beads and funding his failed business venture to become the largest manufacturer of penis flavoured breath mints in the Pacific North West.

White and Lohan with their bodyguards at the 10 year Parent Trap reunion.

The only problem White had was his inability to learn his lines, he had what they call in the business ‘dysentery dialogue’ where he would spout constant streams of shite instead of his script. The humiliation of his early years with the struggle to learn his lines has impacted his life to this day. It could be why he has been called ‘robotic’ and approaches competition with all the concentration of a man disassembling the Large Hadron Collider.

“White apparently wove her a bracelet using a blend of his own hair and his cat’s pubes”

While the cast and crew were in talks to film the sequel ‘The Parent Trap 2: Grandma’s Séance’, Lohan and White allegedly fell out. The pair were seen on set shoving fistfuls of deli ham into their mouths to prove who had the bigger gaping face hole and what started out as a friendly game, suddenly took a sinister turn. White apparently wove her a bracelet using a blend of his own hair and his cat’s pubes for winning, and Lohan had an allergic reaction to the feline component. Lohan took it as an act of sabotage and using her newly found Ouija board summoned a demon to plague Shaun’s every waking moment. The ghoulish figure turned out to be a Victorian washerwoman suspended between earth and the afterlife, and the pair promptly began a brief but passionate affair. Lohan and White only saw each other once after that, at the 10 year Parent Trap reunion show on MTV, where they both arrived with a heavy security detail.

Shaun and Bertha

After the whole debacle, Shaun retired from showbiz. His final act in Hollywood was performing Hamlet’s soliloquy at a charity gala raising money for a cause close to his heart- ‘Gingers In Medical Practice’ (G.I.M.P). He received a standing ovation. To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub…”

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