The secret to Shaun White’s success

We found the secret ingredient that makes Shaun White so successful

Shaun White is basically the Kim Kardashian of snowboarding. You can either love him or hate him, but there’s no escaping him (So much so that my autocorrect knew to change the spelling to Kardashian even after my car crash attempt at spelling it). As ominous as that sounds, there’s precisely zero that we can do about it. So what exactly is it that keeps Shauny boy in the spotlight year after year? His svelte ginger tresses? His mediocre rock band? The fact that he’s actually really good in a halfpipe? Of course not, it’s Biofreeze! Obviously.

Far be it from us to slam people for making money. We’re not laughing at Shaun for endorsing Biofreeze per se, it’s just that this is a completely god awful, terrible video. “Age doesn’t really matter” isn’t exactly the tagline most companies are trying to align themselves with. It sounds like something one of those weird guys who left school years ago but still goes to the school gates to talk to the year 10 girls would say. It’s the mantra of a recently divorced middle aged man who’s dating a 17 year old girl because she’s ‘mature for her age’.

“Age doesn’t really matter… It’s the mantra of a recently divorced middle aged man who’s dating a 17 year old girl”

Then we’ve got “Snowboarding is a lot more strength based, you have to be really strong to get down the mountain” We beg to differ mate, it took 3 of us to open a rogue jar of gherkins the other day. Our combined strength is less than that of a pre pubescent teenager and someone once said that we’re “not completely useless” on a snowboard. And don’t make me laugh, you’re doing it really wrong if think you need endurance for skateboarding. Use your brain Shaun, take a leaf out of our book, no one goes skating to actually skate, it’s just to look cool carrying a skateboard around. The trick is to just sit on your board at the side of the skatepark nursing a can of red stripe and smoking roll ups, and shout “that was sick” every once in a while. “What? Oh me? Yeah uhhhh… I’ll drop in next sure thing… It’s just my uhhhh… knee is playing up a bit…”

Now you’re getting the hang of it Shaun!

The whole thing just seems like a not-so-subtle plug for his Olympic skateboard aspirations. Nyjah Who-ston? Mr ‘Dont call me the flying tomato’ White has set his sights on winning a spot on USA’s Olympic skateboard team, now that may sound greedy to most of us, considering the fact that he’s had more Olympic appearances than we’ve had hot meals BUT we mustn’t forget that he’s more radical than the average human when utilising his Biofreeze.

Monsieur White is no stranger to cheesy adverts, yet this Biofreeze one just feels so much more shit than the rest. So can we blame him? Yes, is the simple answer.

You can pick from this list of reasons:

Now unlike Shaun we’re not being paid to say ‘Biofreeze’ so we’re going to stop. It’s very catchy though. Biofreeze.



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