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Disney’s Cloud 9: Is This The Worst Snowboarding Movie Ever?

OH GOD! IT'S A CRINGE FEST OF GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS

If you thought Chalet Girl was bad, wait until you see the latest Disney teen cheese-fest to hit the screens. Now the American TV giants have hijacked snowboarding, given it a High School Musical makeover and spat it out in the form of low-budget cringeworthy movie Cloud 9.

It’s a painfully predictable plot where a Legally Blonde-esque daddy’s girl meets Justin Bieber-style pretty boy, they do something wildly raucous (break a sign), he ends up coaching her to win the local shred competition.

The title Cloud 9 apparently refers to some sort of trick, which looks suspiciously like a cab double cork, the same trick Kevin Pearce was trying when he tragically crashed out on the pipe (bit insensitive Disney?). However the protagonist ends up falling through the air arse-first, so it’s pretty hard to tell.

Just like horror movies have made everything scary (showers, swimming, clowns, ventriloquist puppets, video players, chair lifts), the list of sports that Disney have massacred is getting longer. Now it includes surfing, football, cricket, running, horse racing, mountain boarding, golf, volleyball, motocross, basketball, ice skating, ice hockey, baseball, bowling (not really a sport, but you catch our drift) and snowboarding.

From this trailer, we’ve also learnt that:

  • All cheesy American sports movies feature someone yelling “IT’S TOO DANGEROUS!”
  • There’s no snowsports branding here whatsoever. Clearly no one wanted to touch this low-budget reputation destroyer with a barge pole.
  • Disney have disabled all comments on YouTube. Clearly they realised already what kind of onslaught this will produce.
  • Aside from the pipe and a few stunt-double spins, there’s very little left that actually resembles snowboarding.

Oh Disney, Disney, can’t you leave well enough alone?

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