In the last twenty winters, we’ve noticed a few common patterns in the snowboarding world; the quibbles and quirks that vary from country to country, but remain constant in their own corner of the world. As Pingu explains, we are no exception… So, are you a true British Snowboarder?
Being a British Snowboarder has always been a peculiar thing. Like a machine-washable mohair wool testicle-warmer or a removable wipe-down screen for a motel television, we shouldn’t really exist, but the fact that we do makes the world a better place. For weirdos.
As a Brit shred, I have been a useless but profitable appendage to the snowboard industry, clinging on to the coat-tails of actual snowboarding for the best part of 25 years. I have been tapping on the frosted glass window of the sweet-shop on tiptoes, turning up to the party with a keg only to find everyone already shit-faced, and rubbing myself up against the leg of the hot girl in a Prada strapless dress without her so much as noticing – desperately trying to be part of something that is almost impossible to ever belong to if you hail from our flatland shores.
“British snowboarding is basically a fight to see who is the least shit”
A very small number of us do manage to get the girl’s attention, stick our hands in the sweetie jar and tap the keg just as the Wildcats crew rolls in… But for most of us Brits, the experience of snowboarding is one of eternal hope, ever more distant promise, and wistful lust from afar that is predominantly satiated by high-resolution downloadable screensavers, spending too much money on neck gaiters and doing shitty jobs all summer.
So, here we have listed several factors which set us, as British Snowboarders, apart from the broader snowboarding populous, and human beings in general. We are all individuals, of course. That’s right. You are special, you are different. None of this applies to you. At all. But… these factors are listed in highly scientific order which required the extensive use of algorithms and computers to deduce the optimal profiling. If you disagree, you are basically disagreeing with maths and the natural laws of physics.
So you are wrong. Even if you are right.