Don't call it boarding

10 comments

Words by Chris Moran

Is it just me, or does anyone else hate the word ‘boarder’? I don’t believe I’m alone. When did you hear Terje refer to our wonderful sport as ‘boarding’? When did Jenny Jones last say, “I go boarding all winter long”? And when was the last time you read in this very magazine the words, “we had a great time boarding around the three vallees”?

I’ll tell you when: never. NEVER!

NEEVVVEEERRR!

And why? Because no self-respecting snowboarder on Earth should ever – ever! – refer to this life-changing sport by that filthy, utterly depraved moniker that is: ‘boarding’.

Eurgh, just typing it makes me want to kill ants.

I know I’m inching towards being a wanker, but I don’t care. My pride is long gone. I don’t mind being ridiculed, but I don’t want to be a ‘boarder’ any more. I’m a snowboarder. I ride my snowboard and am therefore also a rider. And I’m damned proud of it. Here are some points you can choose to read or not read, depending on whether you’re a ‘boarder’ or not.

Why shorten it anyway?
“I remember talking to someone in a pub and they asked me if I’d seen the footie last night,” said comedian and famed football pundit Frank Skinner in a recent interview, “and I knew straight away that this guy wasn’t a fan. If anything, he was a wanker.” The quote says a lot. Why do sport names need to be shortened anyway? Point to remember: don’t call it boarding.

It just sounds wrong.
No-one has any idea how these things work, but poetically, boarding just doesn’t sit well. Consider this – in English we call two-way radios Walkie Talkies. But in France they call them – and don’t laugh too loud – Talkie Walkies! Ha ha! How ridiculous is that? Now yes, technically there’s not much in it, but come on, Talkie Walkie sounds ludicrous. It makes them sound like a toy! Point to remember: don’t call it boarding.

The Daily Mail refer to it as ‘boarding’.
And they tried to ‘Ban This Killer Craze’ back in 1992. Fuck them. Point to remember: The Daily Mail newspaper was originally conceived in order to count the number of cunts in the kingdom. The figure is printed on the front under ‘circulation’.

‘Boarding’ as a verb is already common currency.
Genuine people who ‘board’ are usually living at a public school because their parents hate them so much they’ve shipped them off for a couple of years. Here they will undergo a course of buggery and peer-group torture and be deluded into thinking it’s all good tuition on how to run a country. But the truth is their ‘boarding’ is simply a device so their parents can get some peace and spend a bit of time organising some decent wife-swapping parties. Point to remember: don’t accept an invite to stay at an aunt’s house in Dorking unless you know for a fact that the paintings don’t have moving eyes. And don’t call it boarding either.

It’s not cool.
People who think they’re cool say things like “yeah, I’ve just had a fantastic week ‘boarding’ out in Verbier. I did all the blacks by Wednesday” Point to remember: don’t call it boarding.

Want to sound like a snowboarder? Call it riding.
I ride a snowboard. I’ve been riding in France quite a lot, I rode down the Vallee Blanche last year and it was flat as fuck. I avoided all the black runs in Chamonix because any self-respecting snowboarder knows they’re utter shite. I met some boarders in Bar’d Up. They were a bunch of utter cunts. Points to remember: the pen is mightier than the boarder.

Famous boarders.
Simon Cowell – salopettes pulled up to his nips with a bulging crotch from the self-wedgie he’s inflicted – would try and chat up some chalet slags using his enormous wealth and opulent digs and the word ‘boarding’. I reckon. Point to remember: the X-Factor is only good during the audition rounds. The voting part is entirely shite. And don’t call it boarding.

Marty Pellow.
Marty Pellow from Wet Wet Wet probably goes ‘boarding’.

Wishing I Was Lucky.
The name of our sport is snowboarding. Right – I’ve got an idea. If you’re read this and agreed, you’re all on ‘boarder patrol’. The concept is simple. If you catch anyone blaspheming our sport by calling it by the name which shall forth-right never be mentioned again – you have one mission. Take a picture of them with your phone (or draw them in ash on a pub table – we just need a likeness) then send it in to us at White Lines. We’ll publish all the photos under a new ‘name and shame’ campaign I’ve just invented.
Who’s in? Point to remember: let’s stop the rot.

Sweet Little Mystery.
That’s it. Yes I know there are probably better things to be doing with our publishing space, but like George Bernard Shaw said: “Football isn’t life and death. It’s less important than stopping every fucker on Earth referring to snowboarding as boarding. Get your pictures into White Lines and support the campaign.”
I’m paraphrasing of course, but you get the general idea. You know the address: boarding@chairman-of-the-board.theheadhonchoboarder.board-meister.cock

  1. paulo

    THANK YOU! It’s always snowsports schools who call it boarding…

  2. Adam

    haha i like to pick holes in things. Personally im sick of a ad on facebook asking me if i wanted to teach boarding, No i do not! And being a kiwi i love a bit of aussie bashing :)

  3. Mikey

    Does it matter what we call it? Well if the whole world starting playing tennis and calling raquets ‘bats’ and talking about ’15-nil’ isntead of ’15-love’ I think the Lawn Tennis Association would have something to say about it! Just don’t sound right does it? If you wanna take up a sport you should really respect da lingo!

  4. ed(whitelines)

    Hey Adam, I can’t believe that flew under the radar! Bloody Aussies. The author of said article is currently doing 100 consectutive push-ups for his sins and I will personally be sleeping on a bed of nails tonight for not spotting the vocab malfunction. This article was a personal rant for the Last Lift page and should be taken as such. For the record tho, the way I see it ‘boarding’ has got so widespread we’ve all been guilty of using it, but Moran is basically right – it sounds gay.

  5. Adam
  6. Ridin_Rasta

    People “board” planes, people “board” ships, people “board” buses people don’t “board” snow. Why diss this most amazing of natures creations, that allows us to spend time away from all those wankers in the real world by implying you stomped all over it on what you probably refer to as a plank of wood! Ride it, enjoy the RIDE! Oh by the way I never heard anyone say that they “boarded” that hot girl or guy in the bar last night… bet they had a good “Ride” though!

    Why are we bothered….. as mr impartial points out…. riders got soul, they respect the mountains and the people in them! Boarders are those wankers who probably would rather spend the time in a bar getting wasted talking about what a good boarder they are and when they’re on the slopes they’re the ones at mach 10 outta control makin everybody think that anyone on a board ia a wanker! Oh and trashin your deck in the lift queue!

    Do you call football – soccer! Nuff said!

    1. Matt

      “riders got soul, they respect the mountains and the people in them!”

      Ladies and gentlefolks may i present the least factually supported phrase on t’interweb since “I think Anne Frank would have been a Belieber!”

      Soooo… can I “ride” a pair of skis? or are only soulful snowboarders allowed to use this word?

      As an afterthought, What about those fools who just say “Rugby” instead of “rugby football”? they’re not real fans, just wankers!

  7. mr impartial

    everyone that calls it boarding has no soul
    unless you are talking about every sport on a board then no, you cant call it that

    douches

  8. Digger dave

    What does it matter what we call it? I saw this posted on Goneboarding a little while back. It’s just such a silly argument! Why can’t we all just enjoy it?

  9. Jungle_Is_Massive

    FINALLY! You took the words out of my mouth Mr Moran! Boarding just grates every time I hear it. Dunno why, just sounds punter.

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