So you're thinking of going snowboarding with your girlfriend/boyfriend. On the surface, this seems like the best idea in the world. Romantic nights in a cosy chalet with log fire. Riding together side by side. Play-fighting in the snow...
In reality, you're more likely to be arguing about which one of you is being a total arse, mong around in sweaty thermals (the most unsexy underwear in the world), spend half the week completely shattered, get drunk, argue and come home knowing waaay more about the other person than you ever wanted to know.
The problems lie when one is better than the other. Or never even stepped on snow before. Let's just say this will either make or break you as a couple
If you're both a pretty similar standard before you go, you'll be laughing. The problem lies when one person is better at riding than the other. Or worse still when one has never even stepped on snow before. Let's just say this will either make or break you as a couple.
Like Dr. Nick from the Simpsons, we're here to help armed with our degree in Shred Relationship Counselling* and some highly informative advice that may just save your relationship from sinking like the Titanic.
Never, ever teach them to snowboard
It's the cardinal rule of all relationships - don't teach your partner to snowboard. Do you want to know how many of these relationships have ended with a board being lobbed at someone's head? All of them.* You don't want to be on the receiving end of that first miserable day spent mainly on one's arse. Leave the tuition to someone else, otherwise you might end up like this fella.
* This may or may not be true.
Feed Them Properly
There's no grumpier rider than a girlfriend that hasn't been fed properly. Trust me, I'm one of them. Make sure you have a slap-up breakfast before you go out riding. I highly recommend a double fried egg, sprinkled with lardons (chopped-up bacon), bung it in a baguette and smother it with ketchup. It's the only way to start the day and guaranteed to fend off potential arguments 'til lunch.
Out of the honeymoon period? Beware!
It's a simple. If you've been dating for under six months, chances are you're not going to fly off the handle at a moment's notice. Why? Because you're still in that honeymoon period where everything they say is hilarious and spend half your time eating each other's faces off. Plus you don't want them to know you're really bat-shit crazy. Just yet.
Six months down the line when you've stopped shaving your legs and are perfectly comfortable with farting in bed, that's when you should start to worry. People start getting too comfortable and letting their inner Nicolas Cage unleash more often than you'd like. This will all come out on a shred trip.
Don't take them up a red run on their first day
This follows on from point one. If you're other half has never strapped in before, then it's probably best not to shove them down a red on their first day. Same goes for the park.
"Babe, you'll be totally fiiiiine. Just follow in my tracks..." Famous last words. This is a surefire way of making them never step foot on snow with you again.
Try not to get impatient
Girls can't pee in bushes. Well, that's a lie, we totally can. But we're not that keen on pulling our pants down when the pistes (and often off-piste) are teeming with children and pervy French men. I know it's a powder day, you're aching to get up top and you don't want to keep stopping every three seconds, but sometimes a girl's gotta pee in an actual toilet. Trust me, if we had the choice, we'd pee like you do.
Same goes for guys. Girls, if you're a better snowboarder than him, don't try and give any advice. You might see it as helpful but he'll be feeling about as insecure as a pre-school child right now. Don't be a backseat driver.
Don't bother trying to kiss with goggles on
It's physically impossible. Any attempt will result in the snowboard equivalent of an awkward teenage kiss - with clashing braces.
Understand that girls are unreasonable and guys show off
Men, you've probably realised this already. Girls are harder to crack than the Da Vinci code. Yes we will quite happily say that we want to ride down that gnarly, rock-strewn bit of powdery off-piste. When we're swearing and sweating our way out of a ditch filled with waist-deep powder, we will still get angry at you. Even if we agreed to it in the first place.
On the flip side, women need to understand that menfolk love to show off. That's why they get really pissed off when they can't do something. If he can't land that handplant, don't - for god's sake - show him how it's done.
Buy your other half a pint
It's bloody hard being a beginner snowboarder or that person that's always lagging behind. You're going on the most stressful holiday you could possibly think up together. If you make it through day one, congratulate yourself on not breaking up and go buy your other half a pint or three.