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Travel Tips

Getting Your Family to the Mountains

Train

What could be better than speeding to your destination whilst reading the latest edition of Whitelines, as the kids quietly play a game of travel Connect 4 and your spouse lies with their head in your lap as you calmly stroke their silken hair?

Sounds perfect really.  Trouble is, that’s not what it is like.

On a train, you are locked in a place that your children will hate (or even worse, absolutely love – in the way that they love airports) for many more hours.  So your kids either sit with you, grumpy, fighting over who gets the colouring book and who gets the Justin Bieber magazine then wee in their pants, or they will run up and down the isle as if they were doing a bleep test for 9 hours, then wee in their pants.

People will smile initially (unless your kids are ugly, in which case they will hate them immediately) but after 20 minutes of having their leg rubbed every 30 seconds by an infant covered in biscuit crumbs, their saccharine grins turn to demonic stares and they will want to garrotte your child using the spork they got with their packaged salad.

Your kids, even if they are the world’s best sleepers, are really sleepy and doped up to their eyeballs on Calpol, will be wide awake at 2am.

You might consider, as mitigation, taking the overnight train to the Alps as the majority of the journey will be undertaken whilst your kids are asleep.  A strategy which is theoretically sound, but ultimately flawed.

Your kids, even if they are the world’s best sleepers, are really sleepy and doped up to their eyeballs on Calpol, will be wide awake at 2am, along with the hordes of ruddy-faced folk who are shit-faced on Kronenburg/cheap vodka, wearing rugby shirts with the collars turned up and trying to get laid in a toilet with the first person they find who has sufficiently low self-esteem to oblige.   It is not inconceivable that you could be in a loo, changing a nappy, smelling of shit, and still have some rugger bugger wearing sunglasses (like a dick, at night) trying to rub their boner on your thigh, erroneously believing you were “presenting”.

So train – fraught with danger.  Also a no.

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