Summer is here! Which means other than the odd Mt Hood or Kiwi edit there's little for snowboarders to consume online. So what better time than now to hone that most essential skill: internet commenting.
Yes, in this age of social media and on-demand content what you reckon matters! If someone posts an article or video you don't like, no longer do you have to shrug your shoulders and carry on with your life, now you can tell them! Right to their stupid, ignorant face. Well, not their actual face - as long as you're mashing a keyboard from a thousand miles away it's alright isn't it? Hell, over on YoBeat you can even still do it anonymously, wahoo! Nothing bad ever came from that right?
So, get those texting thumbs a-twiddling and build up some good ol' internet rage, it's time to master snowboarding commenting on the internet!
Oh, and if there's one thing better than comments it's shitty internet memes! Enjoy!
Ignore Grammar and Spelling
whu cares wat wat ur sayin looks lyk whn every1 nos its wat u wanna say thats importnt? speling nd grammer is 4 nurds nd capitls r only 4 when wat ur sayin RELLY MATTERS!! lol
But - for bonus points - if someone you're arguing with makes a typo, be sure to ignore their side of the debate and attack their poor education and literacy standards, ie: "If you are going to be critical of someone else's WRITING skills, at least do it articulately in the first place."
BONUS bonus points if you make a typo whilst rinsing someone else for making a typo.
Hark Back To The Good Old Days
Now is shit isn't it? Then was better, everyone knows this. If there's a new edit with any sort of new spin or, God forbid, flip in it, be sure to take it down a peg by loudly complaining that it was better when people had style and only span 540s whilst caressing your still-in-the-wrapper Un Inc board. Snowboarding is dead man.
Brilliantly, this also works if someone tries to be stylish: just state that Devun/Terje/MFM did it better. Or for doublethink steeze complain that progression has stalled and that snowboarding is dead...
Attack The Author
Read something online that you disagree with? Be sure to try and absolutely destroy the individual responsible. There's usually even a handy little picture of him/her up in the corner of the page.
Always remember that internet authors are divs who must constantly be taken down a peg or five, and you’re just the person for the job. After all, none of these sites actually employ people with any experience in writing. Or snowboarding, for that matter.
Naturally this is also true of Whitelines - in fact, anyone who happens to be aimlessly wandering into walls in the Farringdon area could conceivably stumble into our office and fart an article out.
"I Landed On A Rock and [insert brand] Wouldn't Replace My Board"
Be sure to point out that if a snowboard site isn’t going to review every single board on the market, there is literally no point in doing any reviews at all. It’s science.
Other helpful things you can add to the gear section include expressing your disbelief when the particular snowboard you own isn’t featured on a best-of list, and sharing your tales of outrage when [insert brand] wouldn’t warranty your base, even after you made it abundantly clear to the rep/shop monkey that you only rode over a tiny bit of gravel…
Say The Site/Ads/Layout Is Shit
What do you mean you don't like pop up ads? They're awesome! And totally nothing to do with the fact that the content you're reading is free. It's a well known fact that snowboard journalists are able to exist off of alpine restaurant leftovers and industry favours, the banner ads are just for shits and giggles!
And if you don’t like the new site design, no problem – these are never thought through anyway, as most designers just throw paint at their screen until something looks good, then they trace round it in InDesign and get their boss to shell out for a new monitor.
So you’re free to tell them about how much better it was before. In fact, why not start a petition? If you’re in a hurry, save time by rewriting one of the multitude of ‘Change Facebook Back To How It Used To Be’ petitions that have been floating about since the beginning of Facebook. Those guys knew what was up.
Tag Your Friends In The Comments Section
Get out of here with your informed debate - all people want when they look through the comments section is to see how many friends you have, so make sure that you tag them all! And don't bother using the 'share' button to alert your pals to an article, it doesn't work. It was just a sick joke put there by Mark Zuckerberg for his own twisted amusement.
Did you know that many snowboard writers also have to supplement their income by working for Shazam? Rumour has it, that if you just comment ‘SONG?’ underneath any video, they’ll identify it quicker than you can say ‘switch backside double cork 1080 roast beef’.
Definitely don’t use the resources available to you, like the link to the edit, the ability to fast forward to the end of the edit (or actually watch the edit all the way to the end), or even just use Google. Nah, fuck that shit.
This helpful piece of advice came from our friends over at Onboard.
"This Has Been Posted Before!"
Always be vigilant for repeated posts. This is a cruel practice from spam-obsessed editors who only want to disrupt your feed (and not at all down to having a large audience spread across different time zones) and must be stopped. The second that you see something that’s been posted before, regardless of relevance or time elapsed since it was last shared, you must pounce – ideally with sarcasm guns blazing.
If you’ve already seen something, it immediately ceases to have any value. You’re actually doing the sites a massive favour by pointing it out, and they’ll be forever grateful. After all, they’re doing all this for you. That’s right, you. Only you.
How awesome are phones? Now, when you want to express an emotion or opinion you don't need to worry about writing one, how very Johannes Gutenberg of you. These days you can just select your thoughts from a pre-prepared menu and there's even a little snowboarder one!!
And in snowboarding circles things are even simpler: angry face if you don't like something, fist bump if you do and the praying hands emoticon if the previous commentor you're agreeing with might be able to give you a job one day.
And An Annual Bonus...
If you spot an April Fool, be sure to write ‘it’s an april fool people’ underneath straight away. This achieves two things:
1) It proves that you got the joke. According to the rules of the internet, it is safe to assume that anyone who hasn’t written ‘it’s an april fool people’ definitely fell for it – the twats.
2) It spares anyone who comes after you from being tricked. Because at the end of the day, it’s mean to trick people. Not that you’d know how it feels, of course; they’ll never catch you out. You’ve written ‘it’s an april fool people’ and everything.
And Always Remember...
The internet is war and comments sections are the battleground. Expressing your negative opinions online will definitely change snowboarding for the better, we promise.