Things I will say to you...
Things I will say to you...
(On the phone) “Oh hi there it’s your transfer driver here, I was just wondering how you’re getting on?”
TRANSLATION:
Where the fuck are you? I’ve been waiting for you in arrivals for over an hour now, I’ve got seven angry passengers forming a sacrificial circle around me and one of them just pulled out a big fucking hunting knife all because you couldn’t get your shit together and pack your bag properly. Hurry the shit up or we’re leaving without you.
“Would you like me to help you with your bags?”
TRANSLATION:
You look like trouble. If I don’t carry your bag it’s gonna take us three hours to leave the airport whilst you faff about looking for things you think you might have forgotten.
“If you’d like to drop your bags at the back of the bus you can get in and make yourselves comfortable whilst I load them in.”
TRANSLATION:
I know you’re only trying to help, but PLEASE, for the love of fuck don’t try to load your bags in my van. You will make an absolute state of it and then slam the doors repeatedly until you realise you’ve shut them the wrong way around, put a huge dent in the door and pulled the windscreen wiper off in the process. You ass clown.
“If anybody feels unwell during the journey, then please let me know in plenty of time so I can pull over. I have receptacles if you need them.”
TRANSLATION:
DO NOT under any circumstances try to hide the fact that you are so hungover that you aren’t even wearing shoes, and will most likely paint the inside of my van with vomit within fifteen minutes of leaving.