Holy mother of god! This horrific slam dropped through our virtual letterbox this morning from this RK1 Snowboard edit where rider Fredrik Perry scrapes half his back off on a rail (check it out at 7.15 onwards, if you can stomach it). Hand raised to your mouth? Feel a little sick? Yep, us too.
We know snowboarding is a dangerous sport - but we're surprised half of these morons aren't dead. And it's not just the amateurs. You only need to read Ed Leigh's tale of epic stupidity to see just far humanity will go for a trick. I mean Halldor Helgason should be awarded some sort of medal for amount of blood spilt on film.
So here they are, the most wince-worthy, bone-cracking, face-slamming, ball-busting schadenfreude-inducing slams in history .....
Face to Wall Slam
OOOOOF. This absolute idiot clearly didn't pick up enough speed and takes one of the gnarliest slams to the face we've ever seen. Ambulance? This dude needs a one-way ticket to the baby park to learn how to take kickers again.
Longest Ragdoll in History?
Ralph Backstrom takes an absolute beating in this epic ragdoll sequence. After hitting a hefty Alaskan kicker, he does the classic flailing panicked arms before landing arse first on a super steep face. And he just keeps on rolling and rolling and rolling... Then at 0.12, you think he's finally made it to his feet again. But no, he just carries on tumbling. God damn fool, man! You're Ralph Backstrom not Ralph Wiggum.
Jake Blauvelt Out Cold
Landing on your feet vs your head - sometimes it's easy to get the two confused. Well, at least big mountain rider Jake Blauvelt seems to think so. After dropping this relatively mahoosive cliff, instead of landing feet first, his head takes the full impact. Feet first Jake, feet first!
How to Take Out A Photographer
There are some moments you want to just erase from living memory. For this malcoordinated fool, this one's got to be it. Hucking off a kicker before well and truly taking out a group of innocent photographers. It's almost so expertly executed that you'd think he planned it. He's just a humble snowboard photographer dude, not the Daily Mail paparazzi!
Oh dear god, didn't your mother ever tell you not to play in roads? Darrah Reid-Mclean makes a pretty stupid ass move here after she lands a rail and expertly slides herself under the wheels of a moving car. Surely all it takes is one crew member to man the base and shout "CAR!" to stop this kind of avoidable disaster happening? But the even bigger douchebag here is the driver - why does he/she just sit there and not even get out the car?!
Professional You've Been Framed-er
Halldor Helgason spends more time these days with a battered face than without. This man should make a career change and just make parts for You've Been Framed. With £250 prize money for every shot used, he could be a richer man than he already is!
Running over your own bungee is like tripping over your own feet - equally as embarrassing but the consequences are a whole lot worse. Desiree Melancon does exactly this in Peep Show's Winter Wars. Skip to 0.47 for the real face cruncher. Man, that's gotta hurt. But the best part? When Desiree throws a hissy fit because no-one will take on the rail again!
Over The Rainbow
Holy bejeezus! This absolute cretin provides an excellent example of what happens when you take on a rainbow at lightning speed. Cue flying through the air butt-first, panicked arm waggling before landing HARD on the icy floor. You know that feeling when you sit down super hard on a seatbelt plug? This dumbass now knows - times by 100.
The 40ft Slam
We think this dude has been listening to too much Nelly Furtardo. You're not like a bird, you're not going to fly away. You're going to hit the cold hard icy flat from the height of a three-storey house - and it's not going to be pleasant. Go big or go home? It's time for this fella to go home.
Snowboarding on... Rocks?
The clue's in the title. S-n-o-w-boarding, not rock boarding. This is what happens when Nick Perata swaps the fresh stuff for the very dry, hard, painful stuff. Nick, we thought you knew better than this? Critical Condition will be living up to its name after this hospital trip.
If you ever needed a reason not to take up freeriding, this would be it. This unknown moron drops off the world's smallest cliff (scrap that, it's barely a large rock) before his knees buckle and he takes the world's gnarliest and longest slo-mo tumble - enough to rival Homer Simpson taking on the Springfield Gorge. Although, we did have to ask ourselves at the end, is this man dead?!
Blood, Sweat and Stairs
You'd have thought by now snowboarders would realise sticks and stairs do not mix. We've heard (and seen) some true horror tales as a result of these bad boys (let's just say the body's inner butt workings don't take well to serious impact). It's one thing catching your edge on a flat, but slamming backwards down a flight of stairs and suffering from a big enough head gash that we can practically see brain through it is a whole new level. "Next time I'll be wearing a helmet, for sure," drawls James Sievers. Never were wiser words spoken from a slurry, concussed man.
The Battlefield of Lunatics
Pat Benatar once sung that love is a battlefield. We disagree. Snowboarding is a far more bloody, body-strewn battlefield, as so expertly demonstrated in this mother of all bail edits. It's just one horrific catastrophe after the other set to epic Saving Private Ryan warfare-style sound effects. Just check that crazy tumble at 0.22 - gravity is a cruel mistress. It's both hilarious and painful to watch at the same time. Schadenfreude at its very best.